Life is Weird

How can someone be so indescribably perfect? And where has he been my entire fucking life? 18 years I've been on this earth, and 5 of those I have spent ripping my heart out of my chest to hand it off to every silly human that came into my life with promises of love, only to watch them crush that precious stupid heart in their hands, and I would work endlessly to pick up the pieces and repair it enough to repeat that painful cycle again and again. And then he comes into my life. Here he is, right in front of me. It took me almost two months to realize that I wanted him in my life as more than just someone to fool around with. It took seeing him at his drunkest, and instead of being repulsed when the alcohol got to him and made him sick all I wanted to do was take care of him and help him felt better. He held me in his arms and he told me how much he missed his dad and he cried and told me he loved me and promised that he's going to keep me in his life and told me that he wants kids some day. He's the first person outside of my family who has ever cried in my arms and let me be a comfort. It means so much to me and even though I don't think I love him right now I feel like I'm at that weird in-between stage where *the potential to love is there*. Or maybe I really do love him, because he's the first person I've even entertained the idea of having children with. Fuck, we'd make cute babies. May 10th is our anniversary, and he told me not to forget. "A year from now we'll celebrate a year together doing something amazing." Timing has always been a cruel bastard in my life, but maybe, just this once, the timing is perfect. I *might probably* love this skinny, kind, tattooed and pierced, silly, sad, gorgeous, wonderful, kissable and touchable and lovable, strong, nerdy, mean, adorable, magnificent man and I swear to Satan I am the luckiest human being alive.

I'm going to rant now [Post 4]

I’m not going to be able to sleep for a while. I’m going to post this, then I’m going to curl up in a ball and cry, then sleep. Please don’t read this and please don’t ask me about it because it’s my blog and I said so and fuck you and I will bite your head off with the wrath of a thousand angry gods and spit it back out if you do.


I realized something about being the middle child. It sucks. My older brother has gotten everything he has ever wanted from the time he was born because he was the first child and, let’s be honest, he was the test dummy for my parents. It was too late by the time they realized it wasn’t okay to say yes to something. And to be honest, he has the societal advantage of being a boy in a misogynistic world. And my younger sister is the baby, the angel, the darling of the children. She has always gotten what she wants and always gotten away with bad things based solely on the fact that she’s the last born. Not to mention, both of them are perfect. Aesthetically, they are everything the opposite gender looks for in partners. They’re gorgeous, both of them. And they are the most sociable and kind-hearted people anyone would have the luck of being associated with. They care, and they love, and they are capable of giving their whole selves to others and have it reciprocated like it’s nothing. 


And then there’s me. Being the middle child, I learned it’s just so much easier to go with the flow and make sacrifices to allow room for my siblings’ way. It’s easier to accept that I can’t get my way if they want something else. And lately, that unfairness has extended past the boundaries of my family home. And it is a terrible reminder of all the things that I hate about myself.

I hate that I am not “pretty”. ‘If only you would grow out your hair you would be such a pretty girl’ ‘Why don’t you put some makeup on’ ‘You have to wear this dress and look feminine for once’ FUCK ALL OF THAT I fucking hate that I can’t just be comfortable with long hair and makeup caked onto my face and always dressed pretty to show my figure. Why do I have to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that the only way to be comfortable is to cut all my hair off and put on jeans and a big sweatshirt to hide everything that makes me a girl? And if dressing like a confused half girl/half boy isn’t enough to scare off friends and possible loves, I have a terribly pessimistic personality filled with sarcasm and anger, and I don’t have pretty thoughts or say pretty things or do creative and poetic things. I’m not particularly sociable or likable or fun to be around. So much so that when someone does finally take an interest in me, it’s easiest to enjoy the time I have with them before they eminently leave me. I hate myself and I wish I was “normal” just so everything would be easier and not such a painful battle with myself and everyone else in my life.

Equality [Post 3]

          On a similar note of women's rights, the issue of equality for the LGBTQIA community is raised. Expanded, LGBTQIA stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, and asexual. The fight for equality is not just for the right to marry, but for basic human rights that include allowing transgendered people to use the restroom designated for the gender they identify with without experiencing hate crimes or harassment, joining the armed forces and not having sexual orientation be a factor due to the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and domestic partnership benefits such as disability, family, medical, emergency leave and long-term-care insurance for LGBT employees and their partners.
           Coy Mathis, a transgendered six-year-old in Colorado, became the first case in which the Colorado Division of Civil Rights made a ruling in favor, and for the advancement, of transgendered student rights. Coy's parents had received a letter from school officials at Eagleside Elementary, informing them that Coy had to use the teacher's lounge or nurse's office restroom but not the girl's restroom, due to the possibility that Coy's future physical development might make the other girls uncomfortable. It was ruled that the solution of having her use the faculty restrooms was in line with the "separate but equal" stigma, and was a violation of her rights.
          Another success for the LGBTQIA community came when the discriminatory policy, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed on September 20th, 2011. Congressman Jared Polis said this, “The repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a victory for the cause of equality and our national defense. For too long, this wrongheaded policy prevented brave Americans from serving in our military and defending our country just because of who they love. It undermined our national security by forcing gays and lesbians out of military service at a time when America needs the most talented and the bravest protecting us, regardless of their sexual orientation."                                          
            Many successes have been made towards the advancement and equality of the LGBTQIA community. However, there is still much to be desired. Only fourteen states in the U.S. currently legalize marriage equality for gay couples. Discrimination and hate crimes are rampant among and against the community. The United States must change its approach to this long-lasting, legally permitted discrimination.

Misogyny: The War Against Women [Post 2]

          Being a woman and experiencing, in my short eighteen years on this earth, the belittling effects misogyny has on the physical and emotional development of a young, impressionable girl has led to my passionate and grounded feminist ideology that women deserve to be treated as equals because we are, in fact, equal to men. Misogyny is defined as “a hatred of women” by the Merriam Webster Dictionary. Expanded, Wikipedia explains that misogyny “can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.” All of these manifestations are valid issues, and in their own ways work to undermine women as a whole and as individuals.

            Sexual discrimination has always been prevalent in our society. Susan B. Anthony is quoted saying, “No man is good enough to govern any woman without her consent.” Susan B. Anthony is well-known for her work during the 19^th century women’s right movement toward women’s suffrage. The pinnacle of women’s suffrage came with the passing of the Nineteenth Amendment, allowing for the right to vote to all regardless of sex. And yet, women are still faced with sexual discrimination in the work-place, in politics, and in reference to the wage gap. This discrimination prevents women from rising to power and equality, as men have been able to do. Being controlled politically and economically are the biggest issues to contend with against sexism.

            Terms such as ‘slut-shaming’ and ‘victim blaming’ have become a common part of our vocabulary. Wikipedia defines slut-shaming as “the act of making a woman feel guilty or inferior for engaging in certain sexual behaviors that violate traditional gender expectations. It is also used as a form of victim blaming for rape and sexual assault.” Victim blaming is a rationalization that it is the woman’s fault that she was assaulted, for example, by the way she was dressed or her sexual mannerism previous to saying no to a proposition for sex.

In today’s society, rape has become an accepted and justified crime. Sexual discrimination, violence and sexual objectification against women are not acceptable in any situation. The Merriam Webster may define misogyny as “a hatred of women”, but it is necessary for misogyny to become defined as an unacceptable and intolerable hatred in order to change the mindset of the masses. 

She Taught Me Everything [Post 1]

In memory of Eileen Schmidt (1945 - 2013)

Come on Eileen! Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye. And we can sing just like our fathers!  

     "Girls, I hate that song."

But it says your name, Grandma.

     "I love you, girls. Come on, kissy kissy facey facey."

We love you too, Grandma.

     "I can't swim with you because I'm secretly a mermaid."

You are the prettiest mermaid ever.

     "And the monster looked in the window and saw its reflection, and got so scared that it ran away before it could scare the people inside."

Thank you for the stories, Grandma.

     "Why don't you wear makeup, Gabby?"

It doesn't fit me.

     "Grow out your hair."

I like it short like yours.

     "Stand up straight. You are a strong Irish girl."

Yes, Grandma. I know.

     "Gabrielle, you are so beautiful. You know that, right?"

Thanks, Grandma.

     "You're going to do great things in the world."

I'm going to try, Grandma.

     "How are you, dear?"

I miss you. How are you?

     "...hurts..."

Grandma, it's Gabby. Grandma, I love you. We're all here. You are so strong, and it's okay now. Everything is going to be okay, you can let go. Aunt Denise and Great Grandpa are waiting for you. We all love you so much, you don't need to worry. I promise.