I'm going to rant now [Post 4]

I’m not going to be able to sleep for a while. I’m going to post this, then I’m going to curl up in a ball and cry, then sleep. Please don’t read this and please don’t ask me about it because it’s my blog and I said so and fuck you and I will bite your head off with the wrath of a thousand angry gods and spit it back out if you do.


I realized something about being the middle child. It sucks. My older brother has gotten everything he has ever wanted from the time he was born because he was the first child and, let’s be honest, he was the test dummy for my parents. It was too late by the time they realized it wasn’t okay to say yes to something. And to be honest, he has the societal advantage of being a boy in a misogynistic world. And my younger sister is the baby, the angel, the darling of the children. She has always gotten what she wants and always gotten away with bad things based solely on the fact that she’s the last born. Not to mention, both of them are perfect. Aesthetically, they are everything the opposite gender looks for in partners. They’re gorgeous, both of them. And they are the most sociable and kind-hearted people anyone would have the luck of being associated with. They care, and they love, and they are capable of giving their whole selves to others and have it reciprocated like it’s nothing. 


And then there’s me. Being the middle child, I learned it’s just so much easier to go with the flow and make sacrifices to allow room for my siblings’ way. It’s easier to accept that I can’t get my way if they want something else. And lately, that unfairness has extended past the boundaries of my family home. And it is a terrible reminder of all the things that I hate about myself.

I hate that I am not “pretty”. ‘If only you would grow out your hair you would be such a pretty girl’ ‘Why don’t you put some makeup on’ ‘You have to wear this dress and look feminine for once’ FUCK ALL OF THAT I fucking hate that I can’t just be comfortable with long hair and makeup caked onto my face and always dressed pretty to show my figure. Why do I have to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that the only way to be comfortable is to cut all my hair off and put on jeans and a big sweatshirt to hide everything that makes me a girl? And if dressing like a confused half girl/half boy isn’t enough to scare off friends and possible loves, I have a terribly pessimistic personality filled with sarcasm and anger, and I don’t have pretty thoughts or say pretty things or do creative and poetic things. I’m not particularly sociable or likable or fun to be around. So much so that when someone does finally take an interest in me, it’s easiest to enjoy the time I have with them before they eminently leave me. I hate myself and I wish I was “normal” just so everything would be easier and not such a painful battle with myself and everyone else in my life.